My Life Unscripted: Take Me As You Find Me

Day 1
Friday, January 8th, 2010

My life is, like most, complicated. And those complexities make the day full of trials, errors, joyous moments, as well as woeful ones. There are sad times, happy times, times where you feel as though you own the world and those times where you feel as if the world owns you. But, if life were any different would we know how to live it?

I just watched the movie Julie&Julia and became inspired. Not to cook as you may think (for I absolutley despise cooking) but to blog. I've heard a lot about it (who hasn't) but I never really wanted to do it. I had my personal diaries at home and that was enough for me. But, I always realized I never kept it up. The longest journal I ever kept was in the 4th grade. I wrote everyday for a very long time. But, now adays life is so full I just don't have the time. Yet I always find time to get on the internet. So, why not express those feelings here. Why not see if other people read this and can help me with my life. Why not give it a try.

So, here I am. Inspired by a movie to make a goal and complete it. To find a purpose in life. To see if I can make it. I don't know what will ever come of this. If I will ever finish this. If I will ever get what I expected but it's worth a shot. Everything in life is worth a shot, so I'm gonna shoot.

My first order of business (and probably last for I do not want this to be dreadfully long) is to address a certain issue in my life. It is a boy. Not any boy, but a boy to say the least.
This boy has been in my life for a few years. At first we were just kind of friends. Not even friends...we tolerated each other. That was the first year we knew each other. The next year we knew each other was different. At first we just tolerated each other. But then, we started to do more than just tolerate each other. We began to dare I say "like" each other. We certainly did like each other. He liked me and could give me a wonderful list of reasons why he felt that way about me. I on the other hand was distraught. I couldn't tell you a single thing I liked about him.
He isn't exactly a good kid, and I'm more of a good girl. And he's done things that you shouldn't be doing and hangs around the wrong sorts of people but I was attracted to him. I have no clue why I was attracted to him but I was. And that made me extremely distraught. I didn't want to like him, but I did. What was I to do? I eventually said fine and we dated. For a few weeks. Then unable to bear the anger I had toward me and him I ended the relationship.
We are now in the third year of knowing each other. (Not really counting this as 2010.) He has a girlfriend and I am now beginning to realize my feelings for him again. I'm not exactly sure what I am supposed to be doing about it though. I am trying to figure out why I like him. And why he changes for me. For example he cusses All the time. But I absolutley detest cussing so when he is around me he stops cussing. So, if he could change while around me, why couldn't he change all the time. Is this indeed the reason why I like him, for I feel the need to change him? I'm still debating this and any input you may have is welcome.
But on an interesting site called Omegle I began to chat with this European man, and I began to tell him these things and he told me that I lusted after him. This indeed is NOT TRUE! I can't believe how much I may stress this. He is not good looking. So that's not it. So next he offered this solution. I pity him. This I agreed with. This could be the feeling, I feel. And I think I could change him, because he changes around me. To this the stranger replied: ..he changes because..."he wants to with you." So, dear readers of this blog...what are your thoughts on this. From the little amount I gave you of my life. What should I do with him. I could like him enough to date him, but do I like him. I'm just so uncertain and confused.

For tonight, and until tomorrow...
-Emilee